August 4, 2003
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More on NPD Domination
My last blog on the subject really sucked, having spent more time on what a clever and gifted fellow I am than on NPD. I edited out some of the more egregious bullshit, but it seems better to just start again. To reiterate, one of the many obnoxious (or just plain noxious) NPD behaviors is “inappropriate attempts to dominate.” This raises the question in my mind, when it is appropriate to dominate? Maybe when one is in a wrestling match. But I digress.
Remembering specific examples of domination and control attempts will be a challenge. As I understand how memory works, we tend to remember the outstanding things, and for NPD folks, trying to control amd dominate is not outstanding, it is SOP, a way of life. Or a way of non-life. But here goes.
I guess that winning an election, whether one is running for dogcatcher or demigod, is control. At any rate, I recall vividly being elected co-captain of the fourth-grade school magazine drive, along with Vance Good. I recall exulting “We won by a landslide, we won by a landslide.” That was one of the happiest moments of my entire life. Says a lot about my entire life, huh?
At any rate, we now fast-forward to junior high school. I wrote little skits for the talent shows. (That shows another side of NPD, the desire to show off, to be in the spotlight. When one is on stage–and not JUST as an actor, but as an auteur–one is literally in the spotlight.) One was a take-ff on the Jekyll-Hyde story–it was called “Dr. Heckle and Mr. Snide. I was Snide. (Ironically, snideness is another of our less than charming traits.) Anyway, early on, the actor playing Heckle drank the potion, gagged dramatically and fell behind the table, which had a cloth draped in front of it. I rose from behind the table, but first I sort of flopped an arm up and onto the table, with a loud “plop.” The gasps and nervous laughter this elicited gave me great narcissistic supply.
I didn’t do any acting in high school. I got my fix writing a humor column for the school paper, which was much easier than learning all the lines in a real play. (another NPD thing is laziness.) I was also feature editor, which mostly meant I got the credit for the work the assistant feature editor did.
I mentioned some of my college NPD stuff, but didn’t mention my acting. It was easy, a drama teacher put together a thing called “Shakespeare on Shakespeare,” which consisted of scenes and sonnets all strung together. We wore no costumes or make-up, just used props. It was fun and was a source of NS (narcissistic supply) both at the time and over the years, whenever I would casually mention that I “did some Shakespeare in college.” Truthful as far as it went, but deliberately misleading.
I mentioned before that in the work world, I was mostly in public relations or sales, both professions where domination and control is equated with success. I also worked as a free-lance photographer, another job where you sort of have to dominate the subject. This was very much a part-time gig, I don’t think I did more than a a dozen jobs, mostly for family and a lawyer my first wife worked for.
SuSu reminded me of one of my early domination things. On arrival, oneof th first things I did on meeting her young son (he was nine or so at the time) was lift him up and swing him around. I thought (or at least said I thought–we also lie a lot) that I was just being playful. But I ignored his pleas to let him down and kept it up until his mother told me to put him down.
Over theyears, as I mentioned before, I continued to try to dominate and manipulate SuSu, largely by witholding sex and affection when she failed to do my bidding. (Or just failed to do what I wanted her to do, regardless of whether I told her or not. She IS supposed to be psychic, after all. Thing is, she’s not real telepathic, at least not with me. But getting more so, it appears. But I digress.) I continued to try to manipulate her son Doug, sometimes by force, sometimes by verbal jabs–I AM Snide, after all.
One measure of my progress is that now, when I want either of them to do something, I just say so. Surprise, surprise–this seems to work better, not only in terms of just getting stuff done, but also in terms of family harmony and my own peace of mind.
I have cited enough examples of control and domination to satisfy myself. But I don’t really know if I am stopping because I have adequately made my point, or if I am just getting too uncomfortable pulling my own covers. At any rate, this brings me to another aspect of my recovery, both from addiction and from NPD. Narcotics Anonymous talks about “vigilance,” that we must constantly be on guard lest we pick up and get loaded in a careless moment.
In a similar manner, I am more or less constantly monitoring myself, examining my motives and thinking twice before speaking once. Sometimes I feel like I am walking through a minefield that I laid myself in a blackout, and I don’t know where the mines are. Despite years of experience, for instance, I still am pretty much clueless regarding behavior that will push SuSu’s buttons and provoke a fear response. I still keep hurting and/or offending her when I act in ways that I genuinely think are just being thoughtful and considerate. This is partly due to pathology, and partly due to the fact that she is a very feminine woman and I am a rather macho man.
Another area where I watch myself carefuly is at 12-step meetings. I have pretty much stopped going to AA meetings, mainly because they are (in the words of Bill Wilson, one of the co-founders of the movement) “spiritual kindergarten.” But also because I could see so much NPD stuff going on, I found that I was getting more amusement and narcissistic supply and also aggravation from them that I was getting anything of genuine use. (To digress here for a moment, I am coming more and more to think that there are some folks who will stay sober and some folks who won’t, regardless of whether or not they go to meetings, as long as they follow certain guidelines such as avoiding substitute drugs, keeping in touch with a higher power, and maintaining an iron-willed comitment to stay sober. When the relapsers relapse, they get the blame–when the sober ones stay sober, AA gets the credit. I am still going to NA meetings, since I have many addictions besides that of alcoholism and went to my first Double Trouble meeting last night, which is 12-step for addicts who also have mental disorders.)
Anyway, I constantly ask myself, before opening my mouth, am I motivated by a desire to be of use to myself to others, or am I just looking to show off? As a rule, when I feel I am speaking from the heart rather than from my head, I am on the right track. Also, I notice my voice changes–when I am showing off, I have this strong confident radio announcer baritone–when I am spilling my guts or offering some experience in hopes of helping others, I sound more diffident.
This is about it for this blog. I am going to blog again now on a related subject, hoping that I avoid the Libra thing I fell (or jumped) into last week–a good strong honest blog followed by one that sucked. Only time–and SuSu–will tell.
On second thought, maybe I should check my email now and blog later. Goodness knows I have enough to do today–there are hundreds of dirty little rocks in my stock that need a bath, laundry to sort, a massive mess in my car to deal with, some therapeutic work I have been letting slide and so forth.
(I just proofed this thing, and the happy moments thing stuck in my mind. It occurs to me that I have had more happy moments–mostly when talking to or being with SuSu and realizng just how much I love her and how good life is now–in the past two months than in the previous two years. Thanks, darlin’.)
Comments (6)
There must be some significance to the fact that the only real incidence of “domination and control” that you mentioned here was the one with Doug that I mentioned to you. I have been asking myself why you used such benign things as winning a school election and a dramatic moment in a school play to illustrate the issue of domination and control. You didn’t really come into your full power in that area until you were an adult. What about Lorna, for example, or Barb, whose therapist recommended that she free herself of your influence?
On that checklist you’ve been following, from “Should we call them human?”, your delight over winning the election would be more nearly related to #18, “attention-seeking”, than to #7, which you said you were covering here. In the play, you may very well have been, in your sick little mind, dominating or controlling your audience, but did it occur to you that having one’s attention grabbed and being entertained are what people sit down in a theater for?
On any rational scale of human values, seeking and enjoying the attention of others is relatively benign when compared with exerting domination over them or controlling their behavior. We, your victims, did not volunteer for the job.
Here is what “NPD made easy” says: “#7. Inappropriate attempts to dominate and control others: a narcissist is demanding, expects to be treated “special,” and thinks everyone should immediately stop what they are doing to do what he wants them to do.” That exultant little boy had not been expecting to win by a landslide. He was not only pleased, he was surprised.
In Sam Vaknin’s 20 traits of malignant narcissism, #7 is the controller/manipulator and #13 is the brainwasher. Those are what is meant when one speaks of control and domination.
It would be more therapeutic for you to think about this and come up with some real instances from your own memory, but I will relate one that stands out in my memory.
The last Girdwood Forest Fair I worked, I knew that if I missed one I would not be offered another opportunity to do it, because the fundies who wanted psychic readings out of there completely had settled for that compromise with those who wanted me there and claimed I had a right since I had been there at the first annual fair in 1976. There was never any question of my not going.
You had previously worked every Forest Fair with me, but that year you insisted that you “couldn’t afford” not to work your stand that 4th of July weekend. You wanted me to stay home, but you didn’t say that. We talked it over several times, and your contention was always simply that you could not afford to go.
Mine was always that I couldn’t afford not to go, that the fair was important to me and I was important to many of the people there. You knew it was a political and religious issue as well as a professional one for me and for my supporters in Girdwood. When I started loading my car, you acted surprised. You said you thought we had discussed it and agreed that “we” wouldn’t go. I told you, in all truth, that you said you wouldn’t go and I said I would go.
I knew that there was a risk that you would drink in my absence, but you assured me when I brought it up that a binge was not the reason you wanted to stay home. Even knowing that a binge was likely, my work and my friends and supporters were more important to me than fulfilling that role you tried to cast me in as the one who kept you sober.
You did not even open your stand that weekend. Doug’s friend Sephiroth was staying here then, and when Doug called home Seph told him that you had been drinking, the place was littered with empty bottles when he had come in, and you were gone. Then he got a phone call from you, from the jail, asking him to try to gather bail money for you and hitchhike the 75 miles to Palmer and bail you out. You asked this of a minor, someone with no money and no obvious way of getting any.
I learned the details of your bust from a friend who had been monitoring the police scanner. A neighbor called the Troopers to do a welfare check on you because he had seen you in the yard, naked, waving a handgun and threatening suicide. You claim you don’t remember that. Until very recently, when that bust came up in conversation, you expressed anger at the Troopers.
As we were discussing this a few moments ago here, you said that your reason for not wanting me to go to Girdwood that weekend was that you were afraid you would binge if I went, and you admitted that you hadn’t said that at the time. That does not explain why you refused to go with me. I think the reason for that is plain: the issue was always one of domination and control. Because you didn’t want to go, and I knew that you would probably get drunk in my absence, I was supposed to allow that knowledge to make me conform my behavior to your wishes. Surprise, surprise… I have a mind and a life of my own.
I was not always successful at avoiding being manipulated, as you know. It is these unsuccessful attempts of yours to control and manipulate me that stand out in my mind, and I recall a few when you tried, for example, to dominate Charley, too. He put an end to that by threatening to kill you–bested you at your own game, I’d say.
This goes to show how tricky memory is. I recalled Charley’s threatening to burn down the cabin, forgot about the with me in it part. I also remember how nutty I got over HIS drinking, which demonstates the Al-Anon thing about the person living with an alkie getting as nuts, or nutsier,than the alkie.
I remember how he tried to hide his drinking from me, how I went ballistic when I found his empty bottles all over the place outside. That was when i furiously confronted him, which led to the death threat. In retrospect, maybe it would have been better if I had just said, what the hell, if you can’t beat them, join them, and gotten drunk. Or maybe not.
You sure know how to end on a sweet note, you’re a natural born author. Well, if you didn’t know before, or forgot, how to be very human, you’ve certainly got it covered now. Going to those places must be a good thing. Interesting, that’s for sure.
Now I’ll read the comments. They’re good, too.
Have read comments. Surely one can get lost in reality. I mean all can, yes.
You do sound a manipulative bastard Arms. Empathy. How do you learn to stop? I try and watch, but I still fail. Under stress it is just so much easier to control people rather than….well, ‘be nice, be correct’….. I can’t find the right words. Being an ‘Alpha’, or whatever psychobabble is current, sounds good, it’s crushed me.
I still have problems with ‘truth’, when I have a motive then I just want to achieve it. Das Ubermensch sounds pleasent, doing it stinks like carrion.
At least your S/O (not sure which name to use
has the strength to slap you down. I thought/hoped my chosen did too, it seems my ability to be a bastard is a bit too much for her. I really love her , it seems she cannot feel the same way towards me anymore. 12 years. I should be able to hate, but she’s still my Darling. Maybe if I keep reading what K has said I might see a path.
What a cheerful missive this is…. it’s a lovely sunny day, birds are doing their equivalent of ‘did you spill my pint?’, the Damsel Flies are out, the Ducklings swim strongly now. My sorrow is just mine. Taking responsability comes at such a price. (has to be done though).
Jon
Alot of hard work done here. Kudos!