September 30, 2003

• Updated

  
  

  More on Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)

  
  

  That is one of the numerous things “wrong” with me.  I have been blogging about my own progress in recovery, going through a list of specific behavioral symptoms one at a time.  The ones I will deal with in this and the blogs immediately proceeding have one thing in common–they are all ones I have some sort of blind spot (holy crap, talking about blind spots–I am writing this the day after writing the stuff in black, and SuSu pointed out enough blind spots to require a platoon of  guide dogs.  So now I am gong to go through this thing and try to make it more honest, although it may turn out to have a lot more “I don’t knows” than I like).about, ones that I omitted checking off, but which SuSu noted as being particularly distressful or troublesome.

  
  

  “Selfishness: he thinks of himself first, gets what he wants, and the heck with anyone else.”  I have been selfish all my life.  I didn’t know the difference betwen selfishness and self-indulgence, and self-esteem.  My relationships were always characterized by shallowness and briefness (both of these being specific NPD traits)–I didn’t want anyone getting between me and myself.  I lived by myself, went on vacations by myself (okay, I took along my stuffed animals) and went camping on weekends by myself. The more I was alone, the better I liked it.This was more or less true.  The self-serving trick I was doing was, I was saying “See, look how terrible I used to be years and years ago, and how wonderful I am now.” Fact, is, I am not all that fucking great now, and what is becoming increasingly, appallingly apparent to me now is that I am better at kidding myself than I am my sweety. This process is becoming a whole lot more like work than I am happy with, and only the facts that one, SuSu is doing this with me because she loves me and has our best interests at heart, and two, it IS helping me is making this tolerable.

  
  

  That has changed a bit.  Years ago, I gave up shamanic work because of  my last five clients, one paid in Japanese yen and four didn’t pay at all.  Today, I do work for at least one client on a daily basis, I am not sure whether he is paying or not, and I don’t care.  I know that doing the work benefits me as well–maybe this is still selfishness, maybe enlightened self-interest. SuSu just interrupted me to point out some particularly heinous stuff I perpetrated in the past.  When I got here, I had this weird cat phobia, didn’t want them on me or around me, so her house cats were banished to the yard.  They had kittens in the junked cars in the yard instead of in the house. SuSu and her son suffered, and I paid in that it was years before I learned of the joys of catitude. Many of them  became feral and/or died. Realizing this, I feel like shit, now that I have evolved into an unabashed critter-lover–cats, dogs, voles, interesting-looking bugs, whatever.  What I had intended to add here was how really self-serving my “wahoo aren’t I great maybe pro bono shamanic stuff” really is.  When I started doing my latest round of journeys, the stated purpose was for my own therapy. Helping someone else was really an afterthought, probably motivated by the thought of maybe being paid anyway.  Have I mentioned that laziness is another NPD thing?  Anyway, after having my attention gotten by the psychological equivalent of a two by four upside the head, I decided to stop doing “group picture” journeys, and doing one journey per stated purpose. The ironic thing is, doing a shamanic journey is probably the physically easiest work there is, maybe next to being a professional drug tester.

  
  

  At my stand, I used to scheme on how much I get get from each customer; today, I see how much I can give.  Not just in value for the money by cutting prices, but by giving rock browsers information and metaphysical lore about the rocks, by mustering up patience with children, and compassion for people who are obviously in dire financial straits.  Well, there I go again.  Okay, this is kinda-sorta true, but the true truth is, one, I probably have a higher gross this way(just a smaller net profit margin).  Plus, I get lots of narcissistic supply by coming on like some fucking wise old rockhound, even though I play modest when folks are impressed by how much I seem to know and sort of tug my forelock and shuffle my feet and say “Well, I just have rocks in my head,” which is truer than they realize. I AM better at tolerating children, but only the smart, respectful ones who I can enjoy talking to.  The obnoxious brats can still go to hell.  As far as the down and out folks go, I DO feel for them–even as a kid, I knew what it was like to want something nice and just not be able to afford it.  And a few weeks ago, I DID sell a collectable comic tagged at $20 (an X-man spin-off number one) for $5, making father AND son very happy–but shit, it was still pure profit anyway, since I got the comics from a guy who offered the lot to me for $5. I have a sense of business ethics that would make a Ferengi proud. 

  
  

  Until fairly recently, I was actively addicted to a number of  toxic drugs–alcohol, pot, nicotine, and pretty much anything else I could get my hands on.  And NPD or not, there is nothing more selfish on this earth than an addict who is actively using.  Today, I attend 12-step meetings to share my “experience, strength, and hope.” I post information on the harmful effects of drugs on internet bulletin boards, and encourage people who say they wish to quit.  Most of all, I have been working with SuSu to create an information/referral website dealing with recovery from all addictions  (More on this later.) Now that I am getting the hang of this color-changing thing, I decided to have some fun with it. Okay, now that I got that out of my system, it is time to get real again.  Once more, a skillful blend of half-truth and self-serving omissions.  Sure, I go to meetings–SuSu drives.  For a while, I got a lot of narcissistic supply out of saying cute things and getting big laughs, and I still relapse in that respect.  Lately, I am getting better in that I am straying from the 12-step party line, trying to put some C4 in a few reality tunnels.   As far as the boards go, I DO try to do some good, and I think I do, but I spend a lot more time on trivia and NPD bullshit than I do with being helpful.  That is something I intend to pay more attention to.  As far as the website goes, SuSu is doing the hard work, I’ve just been throwing out ideas (most of which, frankly, deserve to be thrown out) and writing a few things which she puts more work into editing than I probably do into to writing the damn things.

  
  

  Sure, I’m still selfish in many ways.That is probably the most accurate statement in this whole blog.   It took over half a century for me to get this way and I don’t expect to turn everything around immediately. THIS the the real egregious shit that SuSu zeroed in on first.  My defensive rationale was that it was all I could think of to wind this up (we’re lazy, remember?)  The big problem is that this is not only canned 12-step PC crap, it is not even close to accurate.  It didn’t take long at all to develop NPD, if the experts are correct–it’s just that I been this way for the past 50 years or so. Still, I am living proof that you can teach an old fox new tricks.This was just me trying to look good again, as well as trying to sound good with a cutesy play on words.  (Next–”Lack of practicality: a narcissist does not know what the word practical means.”  After I get some other things done, and more importantly, look up the word “practical,” I will deal with that issue.) And get it right the first time, I hope.

  • 6:54 pm
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