December 6, 2003
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Funny Alaskans Part ii — Felony Stupidity
Kathy and I get a lot of laughs from what we call felony stupidity–hapless schmucks who break the law while stepping on their dicks in the process, like the dude who robbed a bank by writing a note on the back of one of his own deposit slips and leaving it at the scene of the crime. It’s kinda like the Darwin Awards only less fatal. Anyway, today’s paper had a wonderful example: dateline: Anchorage.
This poor guy’s first mistake was washing down some of his wife’s pain meds (OxyContin would be my guess, pill pushers up here write tons of scrips for the stuff) with a bunch of booze. Shortly thereafter, he demanded to know the location of the president from his long-suffering wife,. then proceeded to assault her, their home computer, and their color TV (with a hammer). Then, after strewing his living room with full soda cans–no sense wasting booze– he threw some rifles into his pickup and backed out of the garage without bothering to open the garage door–crash ! She tried to leave in her car, he crashed into IT.
He headed for Providence hospital (maybe he thought the president was there), rammed into a car with a couple and their infant son in it, and scattered three of the hospital’s rentacops, who took off in all directions at once to avoid being smushed. He also scattered a crowd of innocent bystanders (but in a larger metaphysical sense, is anyone really innocent? But I digress.). A bit later, he rammed a local university’s police car (uh oh–contempt of cop, very serious street crime), and headed home.
The cops found him sprawled on his couch in the trashed living room, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette. He went quietly.
He is being held on a variety of bad-boy charges, bail having been set at $91,000. And guess what? His sheet includes DWI, disorderly conduct, and resisting arrest. If he has any sense at all, he will say that he has no recollection of what he did, plead no contest and throw himself on the mercy of the court. (Hey, it worked for me!)
Comments (3)
hhhahahaha! i love stupid criminals. we had one here in KC last year who, when tackled by the store owner he had just robbed, got up and kept running but left his prosthetic leg behind during the struggle.
of course the paper didn’t say it but i figured they’d have no problem catching and convicting him. know why?
he didn’t have a leg to stand on! (i’m not making this up, either) oh man oh man…
Good story.
haha…yeah not very smart. I would have said I didn’t remember LMAO