January 14, 2005
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NPD Progress
New readers should know that from time to time, I blog about the progress I make in therapy for my NPD, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, something which is, I think, rather more common among bloggers and board-posters than among the general population. For those unfamiliar with it, the symptoms include total self-absorbtion; complete lack of empathy; a tendency to be manipulative, deceitful, calculating, cold, grandiose, and impractical. And those are our good points. (rim shot) You see many NPD folks in the ranks of politicians, sports celebrities, investigative reporters, actors, and serial killers.
I’m going to address empathy here. When one of my therapists–Kathy, actually–first told me about empathy, she said it was when you felt someone else’s pain. I was puzzled. “Why would I want to do that? I feel enough of my own,” I said. I still don’t see the point of this empathy thing, or how it benefits me, but I am starting to suspect that some of Kathy’s is starting to rub off. Here’s why.
It used to be, I would positively gloat when reading about the misfortunes of the rich and powerful, like when some Hollywood mucky-muck’s hillside mansion gets ruined by a landslide. When a snowmachiner would go down a cravasse, I would exult. My reaction to 9/11 was “Woo hoo!” Or “Cool,” or something equally unsympathetic. When bad stuff happened to poor and powerless folks like me, I was unmoved. No more.
I was reading about the flooding in California, which seemed like small potatoes after the tsunami. Then I read about one guy, saw his picture, and started to tear up. His name was Jamie Wallet, I think, a 38-year old itinerant carpenter. He was pictured, in his grubby clothes and dreadlocks, between two well-scrubbed, prosperous-looking rescue workers. It seems that his family had recently been taken in by a builder, him and his wife and three daughters.
The good samaritan died in the flood. Jamie’s wife died in the flood. His three girls died in the flood. And now I’m tearing up again just thinking about it. Why this particular thing got to me, I don’t know. Maybe because he’s a carpenter, and my dad was. Maybe just his body language in the photo. Maybe because I had a strong feeling that he had spent time before being walked by a couple of guys , only those guys were wearing guns and carrying badges. Maybe because I wondered if he had started making progress because he got clean and sober, and maybe now he would dive back into the bottle or crack pipe or whatever. Or maybe–just maybe–I am starting to turn into something resembling a human being. I dunno.
I do know that if empathy means feeling this bad, I’m not at all sure I want any part of it.
Comments (9)
Does this mean I’m not fired as your therapist any more? BTW, pain isn’t the only thing empathy can bring into your life. Just don’t dwell on it. Appreciate other people’s pleasure, too — and without getting envious over it. We are all One.
X-gram:
Guess what, darlin’! We (you, me, Fox, Raven and Old Man Coyote) have somehow gotten under the skins of at least a couple of young and ignorant Xangans. One of them is gritting her teeth, growling and repeating over and over something about not saying anything so she won’t start a Xanga war.
Do you think I could resist responding to that? Of course I couldn’t.
Oh dear. I really should not succumb to temptation….feeding the wolves. sigh….
It’s good that you are feeling something, GF (not to be confused with “girlfriend” heh
) As Kathy says, empathy does not always = pain. There is alot of good healing work that you can do with that ability…and for someone with your gifts, it can be an asset in other ways. Keep on keepin’ on 
Yeah, ditto to those other wise women up there. Empathy is a beautiful thing because it can really tap into your own soul.
I heard about that story too. Teared me right up, but then that’s no major accomplishment these days. I blame maternal hormones. Now I’ve just got to go see who you guys have irked.
Could be worse.
Awwh, you’re just braggin’ about bein’ so tough. Yeh, it probly was the mention of the word: wallet: that got you all teary-eyed. Sure, we understan’. And kick them kittens out, too. I’ll bet your favorite song is that one where she sings “I’m so mean and evil even rain don’t fall on me.” Why do I like you so much? I must be the same way.
NPD? Never new Dr. types identified such a thing. I believe everyone has varying levels of ”peronality disorders” (ADD, OCD, etc..) and over the last 15 year drug makers have figured out a way to capitalize on it. As far as empathy goes – I don’t have much of it either. In general I’m just not that emotional. I always found emotions to exacerbate problems where logic and common sense would serve better.
i could not resist giving them my two cents’ worth
Empathy isn’t my specialty either.
Oddly, I feel it much more for dogs than for people. Probably because people have been jackasses (Oooh, I’m one to talk…) and dogs haven’t.