May 22, 2006

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  I Was Assaulted:  Felony at Felony Flats

  
  

  (WARNING–The following contains strong language from a  crime victim.) 

  
  

  
  

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  

  Post #1|

  Okay. first let’s define terms. Laws vary, but in most states, you so much as touch someone with your pinky toe and you have committed assault. Assault involving injuries used to be called assault and battery, now it is usually just called aggravated assault–which always make me think that somehow the victim contributed to the incident (“The dude aggravated me so I smacked him. . . “) In any case, assault is almost always a felony. ADW–assault with a deadly weapon–is a little different. You point a firearm at someone, you gave just committed ADW, even if you don’t fire the weapon. On to the story. I am working my stand Saturday afternoon, standing on the bike path next to the highway holding up a sign, in vain hopes of attracting some business. Suddenly, this local teen comes running up behind me, shoves me hard with both hands on my back, and screams “Boo!”. I was thrown forward, my body kinda folded in half and my head snapped back from the impact. I staggered forwards a few feet and regained my balance. Luckily, I didn’t fall–old folks and impacts on asphault don’t go well together as a rule, but as it was, the physical trauma aggravated two old back and neck injuries. As I write, my neck hurts and my right shoulder is all knotted up. I whirled around, faced my assailant and cried “WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU? YOU ALMOST GAVE ME A FUCKING HEART ATTACK! GOD DAMN YOU! GOD DAMN YOU TO HELL!” I was seriously annoyed, and I am terrible in my wrath. I continued thusly,”JESUS CHRIST! IT’S HARD ENOUGH TRYING TO MAKE A LIVING HERE WITH BEING FUCKING ATTACKED FROM BEHIND!” The kid was taken aback, stammered “I’m sorry, man. . .” But I wasn’t having any sorries. “YOU”RE NOT AS SORRY AS I AM, GOD DAMN IT, YOU’RE NOT THE ONE WHO WAS INJURED!” After telling the kid never to come near me or my stand again, I went to my car, sat down, and waited for my vital signs to get back to normal. My back and neck hurt but not as much as my throat–I had seriously injured my voice-making apparatus, not realizing how loudly I had been yelling. Which might explain why people a hundred yards away had turned to see what was going on. I was advised to file criminal charges, but decided not to. For one thing, the local court system is so jammed up with drunk drivers and meth chemists and stuff, that if a store catches a shoplifter and calls the cops, the cops usually don’t even bother to respond, unless a clerk got assaulted in the process or something. The other thing is, I was wearing my “Scream” costume at the time, and the brainless twit who attacked me was just trying to be funny. Plus, it was a girl who weighed maybe a hundred pounds. Anyone wanna buy a slightly used “Scream” costume?

  • 2:50 pm
  • 5 Comments