July 6, 2004

• The Further Adventures of Captain  Blogfodder

  
  

  In our last exciting episode (actually, it was the first exciting episode, but is it not written in the Book of Ftagg’hhhh that the last shall be first, the first shall be last, and don’t fuck with Mr. In-between?), the Captain is actually Peter Porker, a smart, sensitive, but overweight teen who gained awesome cybernetic powers after contracting a radioactive computer virus.

  
  

  What follows is more backstory, which will continue until our hero is fully fleshed-out and delineated, and/or the author thinks of some more plot.

  
  

  Peter came by his latent spiritality naturally. Both his step-parents, Aunt Fey and Uncle Ben-ibn, were deeply religious.  Aunt Fey had been sexually abused as a child by her hard-shell Baptist father, who would violate her repeatedly (and other things) while shouting out justifying verses from the Bible, such as the books of Genocide, Exfiles, Levistraussncuss, Numbnutz, and Dewdropinnonme.  She became a Wiccan high priestess.  She did not lead a coven, she was just high all the time, referring to weed as the “gaga gift from the gracious green goddess.”  She talked like that a lot, as her mother won a ride in a jet plane with Upchuck Yeager (she took 23rd prize in the Betty Crapper Bake-off with her brownie recipe) and was subjected to (you guessed it) a lot of G-forces. (Until she tired of it.)  (Author’s note–the previous in-joke will only make sense to residents of Wasilla, and it probably isn’t worth the trouble to explain.  Consider it as one of life’s little mysteries.)

  
  

  Uncle Ben was born a High Episcopalian, but got tired of being High all the time and became a White Muslin.  Yes, he was a man of the cloth.  He had a good thread on his shoulders and no one needled him.  As I once said to Condoleeza,”Uncle Ben’s converted, Rice.”

  
  

  Peter’s biological parents were killed in a tragic and ironic accident, as explained in Episode One.  Peter himself was a mod on the popular bulletin board, rotsem–refuge for the screaming emotional misfits.  More on rotsem follows:

  
  

  There were many mysteries associated with rotsem, like “why bother?”  But the greatest secret was the fact that rotsem was backed by an evil conspiracy, a consortium of parents (who didn’t want to deal with their kids or waste time talking to them), big business such as Microsoft (which wanted the kids to get used to spending countless hours in front of a comp doing useless shit, thus getting them ready for employment as adults) and government (which wanted them to be diverted by trivia and thus pay no attention to the man behind the screen).

  
  

  The code name for this evil conspiracy was the Republican Party.  The real name was, in fact, the Republican Party.  It was run jointly (but only when they couldn’t find a bong) by Richard M. Nixon and Elvis Presley, both of whom are, in fact, still alive and aliens from the Beta Diverticulosis system. 

  
  

  Thus endeth this installment.

  
  

  (Stay tuned for more shocking revelations about rotsem, rotweilers, and Johnny Rotten.)

  • 2:34 pm
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