More on NPD Domination

My last blog on the subject really sucked, having spent more time on what a clever and gifted fellow I am than on NPD.  I edited out some of the more egregious bullshit, but it seems better to just start again.  To reiterate, one of the many obnoxious (or just plain noxious) NPD behaviors is “inappropriate attempts to dominate.” This raises the question in my mind, when it is appropriate to dominate?  Maybe when one is in a wrestling match.  But I digress.

Remembering specific examples of domination  and control attempts will be a challenge.  As I understand how memory works, we tend to remember the outstanding things, and for NPD folks, trying to control amd dominate is not outstanding, it is SOP, a way of life.  Or a way of non-life.  But here goes.

I guess that winning an election, whether one is running for dogcatcher or demigod, is control.  At any rate, I recall vividly being elected co-captain of the fourth-grade school magazine drive, along with Vance Good.  I recall exulting “We won by a landslide, we won by a landslide.”  That was one of the happiest moments of my entire life.  Says a lot about my entire life, huh?

At any rate, we now fast-forward to junior high school.  I wrote little skits for the talent shows.  (That shows another side of NPD, the desire to show off, to be in the spotlight.  When one is on stage–and not JUST as an actor, but as an auteur–one is literally in the spotlight.) One was a  take-ff on the Jekyll-Hyde story–it was called “Dr. Heckle and Mr. Snide.  I was Snide. (Ironically, snideness is another of our less than charming traits.)  Anyway, early on, the actor playing Heckle drank the potion, gagged dramatically and fell behind the table, which had a cloth draped in front of it.  I rose from behind the table, but first I sort of flopped an arm up and onto the table, with a loud “plop.”  The gasps and nervous laughter this elicited gave me great narcissistic supply.

I didn’t do any acting in high school.  I got my fix writing a humor column for the school paper, which was much easier than learning all the lines in a real play.  (another NPD thing is laziness.) I was also feature editor, which mostly meant I got the credit for the work the assistant feature editor did.

I mentioned some of my college NPD stuff, but didn’t mention my acting.  It was easy, a drama teacher put together a thing called “Shakespeare on Shakespeare,” which consisted of scenes and sonnets all strung together.  We wore no costumes or make-up, just used props.  It was fun and was a source of NS (narcissistic supply) both at the time and over the years, whenever I would casually mention that I “did some Shakespeare in college.”  Truthful as far as it went, but deliberately misleading.

 I mentioned before that in the work world, I was mostly in public relations or sales, both professions where domination and control is equated with success.  I also worked as a free-lance photographer, another job where you sort of have to dominate the subject. This was very much a part-time gig, I don’t think I did more than a a dozen jobs, mostly for family and a lawyer my first wife worked for.

SuSu reminded me of one of my early domination things.  On arrival, oneof th first things I did on meeting her young son (he was nine or so at the time) was lift him up and swing him around.  I thought (or at least said I thought–we also lie a lot) that I was just being playful.  But I ignored his pleas to let him down and kept it up until his mother told me to put him down.

Over theyears, as I mentioned before, I continued to try to dominate and manipulate SuSu, largely by witholding sex and affection when she failed to do my bidding.  (Or just failed to do what I wanted her to do, regardless of whether I told her or not. She IS supposed to be psychic, after all.  Thing is, she’s not real telepathic, at least not with me.  But getting more so, it appears.  But I digress.)  I continued to try to manipulate her son Doug, sometimes by force, sometimes by verbal jabs–I AM Snide, after all.

One measure of my progress is that now, when I want either of them to do something, I just say so. Surprise, surprise–this seems to work better, not only in terms of just getting stuff done, but also in terms of family harmony and my own peace of mind.

I have cited enough examples of control and domination to satisfy myself.  But I don’t really know if I am stopping because I have adequately made my point, or if I am just getting too uncomfortable pulling my own covers.  At any rate, this brings me to another aspect of my recovery, both from addiction and from NPD.  Narcotics Anonymous talks about “vigilance,” that we must constantly be on guard lest we pick up and get loaded in a careless moment.

In a similar manner, I am more or less constantly monitoring myself, examining my motives and thinking twice before speaking once. Sometimes I feel like I am walking through a minefield that I laid myself in a blackout, and I don’t know where the mines are.  Despite years of experience, for instance, I still am pretty much clueless regarding behavior that will push SuSu’s buttons and provoke a fear response.  I still keep hurting and/or offending her when I act in ways that I genuinely think are just being thoughtful and considerate.  This is partly due to pathology, and partly due to the fact that she is a very feminine woman and I am a rather macho man.

Another area where I watch myself carefuly is at 12-step meetings.  I have pretty much stopped going to AA meetings, mainly because they are (in the words of Bill Wilson, one of the co-founders of the movement) “spiritual kindergarten.”  But also because I could see so much NPD stuff going on, I found that I was getting more amusement and narcissistic supply and also aggravation from them that I was getting anything of genuine use.  (To digress here for a moment, I am coming more and more to think that there are some folks who will stay sober and some folks who won’t, regardless of whether  or not they go to meetings, as long as they follow certain guidelines such as avoiding substitute drugs, keeping in touch with a higher power, and maintaining an iron-willed comitment to stay sober.  When the relapsers relapse, they get the blame–when the sober ones stay sober, AA gets the credit. I am still going to NA meetings, since I have many addictions besides that of alcoholism and went to my first Double Trouble meeting last night, which is 12-step for addicts who also have mental disorders.)

Anyway, I constantly ask myself, before opening my mouth, am I motivated by a desire to be of use to myself to others, or am I just looking to show off?  As a rule, when I feel I am speaking from the heart rather than from my head, I am on the right track. Also, I notice my voice changes–when I am showing off, I have this strong confident radio announcer baritone–when I am spilling my guts or offering some experience in hopes of helping others, I sound more diffident.

This is about it for this blog.  I am going to blog again now on a related subject, hoping that I avoid the Libra thing I fell (or jumped) into last week–a good strong honest blog followed by one that sucked.  Only time–and SuSu–will tell.

On second thought, maybe I should check my email now and blog later.  Goodness knows I have enough to do today–there are hundreds of dirty little rocks in my stock that need a bath, laundry to sort, a massive mess in my car to deal with, some therapeutic work I have been letting slide and so forth.

(I just proofed this thing, and the happy moments thing stuck in my mind.  It occurs to me that I have had more happy moments–mostly when talking to or being with SuSu and realizng just how much I love her and how good life is now–in the past two months than in the previous two years.  Thanks, darlin’.)