October 19, 2005
-
Senior Moment? Senior Days!
An old joke–”Of all the things I’ve
lost, I miss my mind the most”–is assuming new and scary relevance
lately. Like yesterday–I am driving from Wasilla to Willow to
pick up a knife shipment–a small town called Houston is roughly midway
(really more like a wide spot on the road, but they d reduce the speed
limit from 55 to 45 mph and they even have a cop) . So I crest a
hill, ready to slow down for the speed zone in Houston and –WTF!?!–I
am in Willow. I had somehow driven all the way through Houston
without even noticing it.This morning, I am shopping for Kathy at
Fred Meyer’s. (Fred’s, for those of you who don’t know, is a big
box store, kind of like Wal-mart, only with ethics. That is, they
do not exploit third world labor, violate child labor laws,
discriminate against women, bust unions, hire illegal aliens, steal
from their employes, or withhold health care benefits from new
hires–this is how Wal-mart keeps their prices so low, in case you
didn’t know. Wal-mart is a festering pustule on the ass end of
American business. But I digress.) Anyway, if the store was
any bigger, it would have its own ZIP code, and as I proceed back to
Duct Tape County, I see a few shoppers sitting on the floor with a
checked cloth spread out, enjoying the picnic lunch they had
packed to sustain them on their trip out of Groceryville. A savvy
shopper directed me to the off-ramp for Duct Tape County, and I
proceeded to rip one package to smithereens to see if it met
Kathy’s specs. It didn’t, so I decided to shoot the works and
get honest-to-gawd, pro-grade HVAC tape (it was on sale
anyway– buy two, get one free).Anyway, after I passed through the
security checkpoint where they examine your passport and get a DNA
sample to make sure you aren’t Osama bin Laden or Martha Sewart or
Michael Jackson, I did the rest of my shopping. It was like
aerobic shopping–I get through the frozen foods, go about a mile and a
half to the cereal aisle, remember that I forgot to get frozen pizza,
sprint back to the frozen food section, back tot he cereal, where I
remember I forget to get the the hearts of romaine she wanted
when I was in Produce County, and so on and so on and so on.Thing is, I was exhausted this morning
when I left the cabin–the cats got me up a few dozen times for no
apparent reason in the early hours, and the bags under my eyes had
morphed from the usual attache cases to a couple of two-suiters.
At last, I finished shopping. I was so shocked at the total I
didn’t use plastic, just gave them all the cash I had plus naming
rights for my first-born son. The joke was on them since I have a
vasectomy. Enjoyed cross-venting with the guy who went to the car
with me to load the heavy stuff.On the way home, I happened to glance at
the dashboard instruments and saw to my horror and chagrin that I was
in second gear. Forgetting that I wasn’t driving a stick shift, I
hit the brake pedal hard with my left foot, thinking it was the
clutch. Luckily, the guy behind me was paying attention, and
graciously refrained from rear-ending me.
He even saluted. And the poor guy, he was an amputee.
He must have been, I only saw one finger.
Comments (8)
Poor baby!
I hope you never need to do this again. I will do my best to force myself to go to town sometime within the next month or so, whenever we start running low on provisions. Now you do your part and don’t volunteer to make life easy for me.
As you were driving away, I ran out to intercept you, but you didn’t see me. No problem. I had just remembered that I had not seen any kitty litter among the supplies you and Doug offloaded here. But when I wheezed back into the house, I found two jugs of litter on the kitchen floor. Thanks.
‘Scuse me while I laugh my ass off.
I love these little stories… So mundane, so funny.
I believe this is my first visit Greyfox. I visit Kathy often so I wandered by…nice place
Wow this made me laugh so hard.
* I think I may have hurt myself seriously.* Damn you!
I didnt’ know all that bout Wal-Mart. Figured there had to be something going on. Noone is that BIG without something screwy. Hmm……..till I has more income I shall still buy groceries there, cuz they are cheap as shit, But Once I has monies coming again. No more Wal-mart for me. I hate that place anyways.
A visit to your site always cheers me up… thank you, Greyfox, for making me forget about my little problems for even just a little while.
Hey, atleast Houston has a cop… Big Lake just steals the Houston guy…
I worked for Walmart. The insurance I got in the beginning was better then after my so many days caues it was cheaper and overall a better deal. But enough other stuff sucks from walmart that I still agree
walmart bites. the managers at my store tried to make ppl cry. I didn’t give them the satisfaction, but when they tried to give me the run around somehow the state of michigan and the next executive on the food chain up became involved. It was a somewhat satisfying day when a manager had to come appologize to me. he groveled for like 
30m but he made up for it later by being something I shall not name. GRR.
guffaw…this is hysterical…you know…sometimes I find life is just a big “brainfart” for me too…but alas…misery does love company…have a better tomorrow my XangaLand Friend…Sassy
I agree with you about Wal Mart. My mom has (and this should automatically nominate her for canonization) worked there for nine years. She was generally treated decently at first, but that certainly didn’t last long. I haven’t bought anything at a Wal Mart in over five, and I won’t step foot in one except to go into the one in Winchester and say hi to Mom. It makes her happy to see her oldest girl when I’m in town. Considering that’s every oh two years or so, I think I can bend on that one.
The car story made me laugh, as did the expedition in to Duct Tape County. *grin* Thank you.